Psychotherapy is a psychologically-based therapy where you meet with a psychotherapist to talk through the issues that are burdening you. Psychotherapy is not like chatting with a friend, elder or pastor. The therapist is a professional who does not have an existing relationship with you. This gives you space to open up about anything you wish to resolve without fear of judgment or bias. At the start of therapy, you might find that the therapist is rather quiet and seem to nod and listen a lot. You might even feel disappointed because you probably have come to therapy believing the therapist will give you advice and suggestions on how to fix your problem. A psychotherapist will not do that. Instead, at first, they will encourage you to talk about what is bothering you and prompt you to elaborate. This is done with a view to gain a broader understanding of your situation. You might find that the first few sessions are all about you talking about how you arrived at the current situation. A lot of history may unfold. This is extremely important for the therapist and later you might see that it was also an important step for you. As you progress, you will find that the therapist is like a mirror helping you to uncover things about yourself such as your habits and the way you have moved through life. The therapist will pick up on little things that you may have thought to be inconsequential or irrelevant. She will also gently nudge you to become more curious about yourself. As you progress, you will recognise certain patterns of behavior and quite possibly understand how and why you have adopted those behaviors and even thinking patterns. Your therapist will encourage more exploration so that true self-awareness is possible.

Building a unique bond

The relationship you develop with your therapist is a unique one. She is not your friend, parent or boss, but is a person who is there for you in a completely non-judgmental way. You might find it difficult to fully trust your therapist, but as time goes by, you might slowly become more comfortable to open up to the parts of your life that were well hidden for many years. Trust grows when you realize that there is no judgment and that you are accepted unconditionally. It is this trusting bond that makes therapy work. Now you might see why it takes time – trust does not come easily at the start. The therapist will not try to fix you or tell you what to do, but instead, will walk along with you as you figure things out. The most amazing thing about psychotherapy is that you find that the connection you build with the therapist will have a capacity to give you new ways of thinking about the world and relationships. You start to experience these changes even when the therapist is not in the room. That would be the time in between sessions, which is an important extension of therapy. It is during this time that you have an opportunity to carry the support given and to practice standing on your own , making decisions that will be more helpful for the life you want to live. Your relationship with the therapist will not be a perfect one – devoid of heartaches and mistrust and feelings of judgment. But it will be a perfect one with all of these things included. Meaning, every time there is a rupture in the relationship, it will be the job of the therapist to recognise it and initiate the healing. Our normal relationships always hit road bumps, and so will the therapy relationship. What makes it different is that the therapist is going to be there to help understand what happened and show how its possible to repair the damage and move forward. Your therapist will not abandon you, even if you feel like you want to let go of the therapist. You are encouraged to tell the therapist how she makes you feel.

Making peace with yourself

One thing therapy can show is that it’s okay to feel mixed up sometimes. You can love someone and still feel angry at them, or want something but be scared to go after it. These kinds of confusing feelings are just part of being human. These confusing parts and emotions will not be split into labels such as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but instead, your therapist will guide you in bringing all of ‘you’ together in a meaningful way. She will not use fancy words or push her own agenda, but will ask questions and let you describe what’s inside.

What therapy is not

Therapy is not just about venting. It’s not just about dumping all your problems on someone and then walking away feeling lighter. Or getting advice. Or getting a how-to guide. Therapy is hard work. It’s looking at yourself deeply, facing things that you’d rather sweep under the carpet. Therapy is not about blaming parents, siblings, partner, boss or the world around you, even though those things do matter. It’s about learning to take responsibility for what you can change about yourself. Therapy is not a quick exit from tough feelings. It is very likely that your therapist is going to point out things that you have been avoiding, and this can be quite unpleasant and uncomfortable. But that’s where the growth happens. It’s not about someone agreeing with you all the time, it’s about challenging you to look deeper. You might be tempted to use ChatGPT or other AI chatbot in between sessions, but as mentioned earlier, the time in between sessions is actually an extension of the therapy process. During this time, you can experiment with healthier ways of relating to others, and you get a chance to observe your behaviors outside the therapy room. Using AI as a substitute for psychotherapy will probably give you some instant gratification, such as lots of validation, and it could derail you from what you have accomplished in therapy. For example, the emotional effect of a certain cathartic moment experienced during therapy might be diminished if the AI chatbot takes you down a different path. In the long term, there cannot be any personal psychological growth because the chatbot is not able to direct exploration of your past in such a way that insights into present behaviors and thought processes are discovered. This is one of the key components of psychotherapy. Instead, a chatbot might dangerously make a connection between your past and present where no such connection exist. This could negatively impact your relationships.

What you might find

Starting therapy is never easy and it takes time. There will be days when you leave a session raw or unsure..maybe you will feel like never going for therapy again. But also there will be days when you feel lighter and stronger. The real shift may happen outside the sessions, when you start handling life’s ups and downs with more confidence. It’s not because your therapist is holding your hand, but because you’ve learned to carry what the therapy has given. Therapy is not a quick fix, but a chance to explore who you are in a safe space and come out the other side knowing yourself better and facing life stronger.

An example of how therapy works by Nancy McWilliams

“A woman coming to treatment may want to learn how to relieve a depression and instead learns to express previously unformulated feeling, to negotiate for herself in relationships, to identify the situations in which she is likely to feel depressed, to understand the connections between those situations and her unique history, to appreciate her tendency to blame herself for things that are outside her control, to take control over things that had previously seemed impervious to her influence, and to comfort herself instead of berating herself when she is upset. As the therapeutic process evolves, she gradually loses all her vegetative, affective, and cognitive symptoms of depressive illness. But more important, even though before the therapy she may have enjoyed long periods of freedom from diagnosable clinical depression and thus could conceive of feeling better, she could not have imagined the depth of authentic feeling that is now becoming a reliable feature of her emotional landscape.”